8 Reasons Why You Should Tailgate

In the Midwest, when someone mentions tailgating you would be inclined to assume the type where sports fanatics socialize before games and have good times with beer, bratwurst, ribs and perhaps chicken with the SUV trunks popped in the stadium parking lot. Let me start off by saying that I reside in Los Angeles, now, and it’s a whole new world. You can tailgate here while staying inside your car.

def. tailgating // tāl’gāt’ing v.

The practice of driving on a road too closely behind another vehicle, such as less than the travel distance in two seconds or equivalently, one vehicle-length for every 5 mph of the current speed. It is generally considered to be impolite behavior, and may also be illegal in some jurisdictions due to its increased potential for causing a car accident.


Why tailgate? Oh honey, allow me to count the ways…

  1. It’s a good way to support your local gas station and gas stations everywhere. The more you ride the arse of the car in front of you, the more you need to step on that gas pedal. Coming close but don’t want to hit them like a good tailgater? Step on the brakes! Repeat. And make sure you’re creeping up as close as possible or it’s not actually tailgating, you cheater. The closer you need to get, the more you need to step on that gas, then brake…over and over, again!! Is your car’s momentum slowing and that car getting away? Step on the pedal as many times as you need to, homeboy. Get right on up there–use that gas! Show your support. Exxon Mobil, Chevron Texaco, British Petroleum and Valero can use all the help they can get.
  2. Because you can never change your brake pads enough. Even though the labor may cost a little more to change them out, brake pads themselves are cheap! So go on ahead and have fun tailgating. Braking only to initiate complete stops is boring. Properly regulate your erradic accelerations with whatever decelerations you need.
  3. When traffic stops suddenly and you’ve expertly avoided hitting the car you’re “riding,” effectively eliminate any gaps that would allow you to merge into any other alternate lane. Merging is overrated–who needs alternate ways out? Commit to the lane you’re in. Commit to stay with the traffic you’ve been destined. Don’t be a wuss. Go big or go home.
  4. When traffic stops suddenly and you’ve rear-ended kissed the car in front of you in the be-hind just the once, the only comparison I have to draw is this: Notches on one’s belt are as multi-colored scuff marks on a tailgater’s front bumper. Collect all paints! Think it’s a hassle to pull over to investigate the minimal damage time and time again? You ain’t even a real tailgater. Get off the road if you can’t take the heat! Wear that scuffed-up front bumper with pride.
  5. Because you can read lips. And who wouldn’t want to know what conversation his tailgatee’s having, if he or she could just simply get close enough to see those lips in the rearview mirror…?
  6. Sharpen your reaction time. Nothing sharpens a tailgater’s reaction time like always potentially causing a rear-end collision anytime, anywhere. Let big consequences hone your skills. Get bigger payoffs by sharpening your reflexes. Your reflexes are invaluable–who knows when you’ll need them in countless other areas of life?
  7. Because getting there two car lengths earlier saves at least a whole second and a half. Don’t let your slacking off cost you. Ride that arse. Time is money. Money is time. And a second and a half per destination, when you add up all the destinations you’ll be headed to in a lifetime, is quite a bit of money and time. Get there, already.
  8. Tailgating equals aggressive driving, and aggressive driving means you own a fast car. Only people who drive like wusses drive like wusses because their car ain’t fast enough. They’re not real drivers. If you tailgate, everyone around you in traffic and out of traffic knows you mean business. And only people who mean business own a fast car. Don’t be afraid to floss a little. Don’t hold back–do something in your life just because you can. Own the road. Cuz there are passengers, and there are … you get the point. Besides, tailgaters are feared, everywhere. Own the road!!

Welcome to the L.A. life. 😛