e*star LA

I’m in the process of getting my Humanity back. The Codependency thing just wasn’t flying, anymore.

I recently had an episode, a gift really, that told me that I needed to change some things in my life. Even when blogging is your outlet and a form of it consistently has been the outlet for the past 4 years, there comes a time when things collide and it shuts even that down because you haven’t even begun to wrap your mind around this … thing. Much less, write about it. It’s just that big. It’s huge because it involves my family, the only people I’ve known my entire life. The people who raised me and influenced me–including from afar. I’m peeling away the layers of the onion because these layers have been compromised. They’ve been corrupted, affecting the onion of my being to the core. The basis of my relationship with them and their impact on me, I’ve found out, has not been what I’ve always thought it’s been–but the gift is that now, at 28, I finally see clearly.

There is work to be done.

And all of the past? It stops here. I won’t shut the outlet down, too. This blog has been compromised, but it has been uncompromised again. A huge censor has simply been removed–that is, the acceptance, then indifference, that my family is reading this too. (If you have to worry about anonymous online stalkers stalking you, I have to worry about an older “Hero-like” toxic brother doing the same in order to be able to report to the parents, while not having the courage to call me up himself–despite his apology just 2 weeks ago to the contrary. That is not to say that even if he called, I would pick up.) The truth has set me free, and though those immediately related to me may judge me, or try to bring me down under the guise of “guidance and advice,” I see clearly now.

Breakthroughs are really interesting. They are exhausting and they are wonderful; they are a savior from the insanity. They are a painful. They require patience. They are a motivator to find all the answers and this moment in time is when the work pays off the most–because the need to change my situation has just revealed itself in a most concrete way. I say a breakdown is actually a gift, because the little of what I have left was still able to cry out for that change. Getting sane in an insane environment is crazy-making, and it’s time to change that environment. I’ve looked around and have seen clearly for the first time in my life, and I finally see the toxicity everywhere. I have been able to discern, and it can’t get away from me now. I’ve been reminded a few times that it’s always been there.

It’s not about looking like you’ve had it easy all the time. If there is toxicity is in your life, you go to the source and you root it out. You look at yourself.

I also look at what I’ve been viewed as: the youngest by at least 9 years of four, the only girl. I can preach against double-standards, but it is an entirely different thing to not accept it in any form, no matter from whom. I was the embodiment, even target, of the fulfillment of not my own needs, but my family’s.

True change comes from the inside out. The cycle stops here.

We were all created human. Humans feel, humans think–and we ask, we touch, we speak. Again: humans feel. “E-motion” is derived from energy-in-motion. If we repress them, the energy has to go somewhere–often in the form of dysfunction. My family life was ridden with the shaming of things human. How can we be smart with our emotions if our nurturers can’t even acklowledge they exist inside of us? That they are to be embraced as much as intelligence? That humans were created with our own needs, and it’s our duty to nuture those needs, not repress them.

Do not forget that Jesus was human–and that was the whole point. Jesus wept.

My family was a sort of counter-culture in that “culture” itself was used as a free ticket to fear, shame and control. It was confused with Truth. It was deceptive, self-serving, and it was Fundamental. It was manipulative. It has compromised my truth. People put themselves above the truth. They judged laws and people and sat atop it with a plank in their eye and when they did not even know about tomorrow. They did not speak of God, but of themselves. They made themselves slaves of the law, untrue in spirit.

They may have had eyes, but they have never seen me. They’ve never even been able to see themselves. And they spoke of trusting God when their actions didn’t do so, themselves.

The catharsis is and forever will be on-going; after all, I will never be the same. After the realization and after anger came a quick decision that I’m not a victim. I won’t give any disease power. What good does it do to dwell on helplessness?

I am healing.

I can explain things in my life, now, knowing more about where I came from. The truth has set me free. How I was used to fill a void. Why I chose Mosaic as my church is because they are a voice of hope and want to be known by love. A lot of thoughts and recategorized, re-explained and formerly buried childhood memories have been going into my journal lately.

It’s only me and God, now. No one else. I am my only obligation. The burden has been lifted, and He is the one who lifted it.

Blogging has been my outlet and though my family may now know about it (once my greatest fear)–it will continue to stay that way. I laugh, because people have asked me, “What’s so objectionable about your blog?” I may explain later, but that is a whole other post. For now, I’ll just have to clue you in with del.icio.us links below and reiterate that the key words are fear, shame, control and manipulation.

I’ve been directed to some good reading material thanks to exceptional friends. They, along with Roycifer, have really helped me through this. It’s been a release, and I realize that my entire life I’ve really been blessed with relationships and friendships to help me along the way. I’m not bulemic, anorexic, nor have I been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as other dependents have–purely by grace, I believe. Recently, I’ve been blessed with an exceptional, professional Christian therapist who listens and listens; yet the five or ten things she’ll say–total–in one session will plant thousands of seeds and open just as many doors.

I wanted to thank all of you guys, my readers, for keeping up with me–or even for just clicking by. All 100 of you on a weekday. You gave me my online validation when I grew up with so little validation, period. For the first time, I finally feel free.

Love,
*e

P.S. - New Things on This Site:

1) I’ve added Twitter Integration into that top bar up there. There might be some fancy developer lingo for what that space is called; alas, I’m not a developer (all hail Roycifer). If you’re not familiar with Twitter, it’s basically a “What are you doing, now?”-type timeline you submit to from your desktop or phone. I was considering an asides category next, but found Twitter an easy way to get out my thoughts, a couple sentences at a time.

2) Another gem Roycifer tweaked was the Randomized Blogroll plugin, which is a pre-installed feature on Wordpress. It displays 10 linketies at a time in my blogroll but out of a bigger pool of linketies that I love. You can refresh for a different variety each time you come back. More linkety love for everyone.

3) I’ve been linking on del.icio.us as usual. You can find some links relevant to my recent experience (as reflective on my entire childhood, adolescence and young adult life) on on my feed, below.