It always strikes me as curious when a guy – yes, a dude – declares that “Chivalry is dead and it’s women who killed it.” The declaration seems to me an absolution of any guilt for the act of not, for instance, holding the door open for a human being with two X chromosomes. It seems to say, “Hey, don’t call me rude – it’s you gals who wanted it this way in the first place.”
I’m not mad at you.
Heck, I still remember the first time I overheard a girl, I think in college, complain to someone for not putting the toilet seat back down after he was done using the bowl. Even if it took the tone of a sister teaching her younger brother the social norms in life, it was a foreign language to me. Never before was I even aware that such etiqutte even existed. Put the seat down? In consideration of saving that job for a woman who – God save us all – might have to do that before she used the toilet? What are the implications of that, exactly, and in what other manner am I doing too much work for myself? Needless to say, I didn’t really wanna miss out on my own scoop of life – the part of it I was entitled to for being born with … less muscle mass, for one.
Of course, I was not a gal who grew up in-the-know when it came to female matters. Three dudes (and no dudettes as siblings) paved the way before me, and heck if I wasn’t noticing the additional urine drops on the rim as they collected every successive time I had to put the seat down for myself. So really, I don’t know if it was nature or nuture which made Barbies and every other kind of human doll unappealing to me. I picked stuffed animals over infant dolls and was taught chess and baseball card trading were more interesting than playing House. I’d (try to) catch softballs with a leather mitt before ever being curious about mother’s high heels. I was never the most girly girl you ever met – but then again there’s just never a control value to which to compare our lives to; we can only speculate how we might be different if things around us were different. So who knows?
From what it looks like from here, being a benefactor of chivalry, to me, would not seem a free pass. I can see why women have taken a sword through the heart of it as certainly as I’ve helped in trampling on it while completely unaware it was even underfoot. To be on the receiving end of gallantry is to be considered in a separate class. I have trouble expecting things of others based on sex – or tradition, for that matter – just because it’s the way it’s always been done. It can only mean one of two things: That I need help (which is fine but might not be true all the time) or that I’m entitled to a free pass.
Chivalry is just an avenue by which we’re able to make excuses for ourselves. I’m not talking about taking offense at a door being held for me or groceries being lugged on my behalf (only if he is empty-handed mind you – otherwise, I can deal). I’m talking about killing it on my own behalf so that when I’m judged not on my ability but based on my looks or gender, whether favorably or unfavorably, I have reason to complain since I never asked for that free pass in the first place. I’ve a hard time leading someone along on the false hope of outward appearances. How then, do we differentiate when we expect others to take us seriously? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and if the beholder needs you in a neat little box, leaving the rest of you unappreciated or worse, taken for granted as if non-attributes, then it’s time to move on til you find a beholder who has the well-rounded vision you can complete.
(Hopefully,) Eventually, we all get a little more selective about our beholders because we grow enough as people ourselves to want that sort of compatibility with our partners and friends. Priorities and values. It’s not so much what you can get out of others, it’s about working on yourself so that you become a person who can be proud of the character you’ve developed on your own merits.
Chivalry is dead – but really. So what? Good riddance.
8 Comments
Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, is known for some hilariously inappropriate and politically incorrect remarks. One regarding chivalry goes something like ‘If you see a man holding open a car door for a woman, it means either the car or the woman is new.’
Chivalry at least in my book works when the guys doing are sincere about it. It doesn’t really work if women want it because it’s their idea of it or men do it because they think they are getting laid.
Of course, in my book too chivalry is dead. I say all the better. It always throws women off when I do it with no strings attached.
hear, hear! i scoff, only in my mind, whenever ppl, namely women, complain about such a thing, and would like to men to be chivalrous. it is a double-edge sword. if you asking for something please do not be surprised when it becomes a back-handed compliment.
i.e.: men should be chivalrous. then the expectancy that is expected is that you, as a woman, in turn should be dainty.
i could go on about this.
I used to play the game Chivalry on my Apple 2 e.
does chivalry = reverse (sex/gender) discrimination? does that = reverse racism? If so, I find myself in a bit of a quandry because I have more positive opinions of affirmative action vs. negative views of chivalry. Hypocrite am I?
or is chivalry more complicated than that?
@lexybeast: I’m googling “Prince Philip quotes,” for sure.
His wiki says, “He is noted for making comments which frequently come across as overly blunt and insensitive.” Haha!
@Edrei: Good point. What is a woman to do, hate on a guy for a courteous gesture just because it falls in the “chivalrous” category? No strings attached is definitely a good way to go – in my book, an indicator of good character.
@owbert: It is all about that expectation, isn’t it, that ruins things? I think it’s so much better when things come as icing on the cake.
@Al Bolin: I think my favorite Apple IIe game was Burgertime. Or Conan The Barbarian. But I think Conan was actually kind of hard. Especially for a 7-year-old.
@soulst0p: I think for discrimination to happen it is often on the part of the traditional beholder of power. But not so much I guess with reverse racism. And then the phenomenons you mentioned are attempts to justify rebalancing the scales, so … tough question. Chivalry is something that’s happened since the dark ages (or before) so maybe it’s more game because uh, women are somewhat demanding it to continue?
It’s funny to think about for me… once again being in a similar position to you, but exactly opposite in growing up with way older sisters instead of brothers.
I remember hearing my sisters shout from one floor up, “Aghh, ROBBIE PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!!”
I sometimes would think, jeez, so men have to put the toilet seat up, then down again, just so they don’t have to do it once. But then a couple months ago I was at a gay bar and my female coworker was behind me, and I put the toilet seat down for her, and then my other gay coworker did the same for another female coworker. They both commented on how sweet it was, but for us it was just insstinct; we both grew up with older sisters.
In the end, it’s not about being chivalrous, hell, I’m gay! It’s just about being nice when you can. And yeah, I’ll yell at a woman when I get commuter rage just as I would a man, probably more. Women get in the way more, maybe it’s an entitled feeling due to this whole chivalry thing. So I’m not gonna give up my seat on the subway unless you’re 90 years old or 9 months pregnant!
Robbie, that is hilarious that you had 3 sisters and had the exact opposite experience.
I didn’t think about it in that there were 2 things to do from that point of view, both before and after. And the entitlement attitude is definitely a groomed thing … just like nice gestures are not necessarily coming from an air that’s chivalrous. Hahaha…put the seat down, Robbie!!