Anyone who knows me – in person, in the flesh, on the raw – might be able to name a few mannerisms of mine. Those who know me well will be able to go further than that, perhaps even to the kind of guy I would and wouldn’t go for. The type of movie I would pay to see in the theatre or would wait to see until it’s on DVD. The places I would and wouldn’t hang out at on a weekend – day and night.
And then there are those who appear to glean that sort of information – and more – from what I write in this blog.
Some things are only natural to assume. For instance, if you’ve read my posts about cars, you would know that my personality doesn’t particularly favor SUVs nor Japanese cars – but instead the unreliable German kind, with all the little plastic pieces, electrical drivetrains and failures to boot. If you’ve read the posts recounting the outings I’ve had in the city and what fun I’ve had on them – more formerly than recently – you could assume that I love where I live. Or, you might be able to draw that conclusion merely from the URL and title of this blog.
Sometimes, though, and I don’t restrict this to blogging, you can tell more about the person making the assumptions than the subject whom they’re drawing conclusions about.
Let me be frank. I put a lot of words out (t)here. I’d be stupid if I said that I’m prepared to deal with the consequences of them 100% of the time, but all the same – I usually don’t regret them. I’ve been doing this way too long now to still be blogging yet have lost sight of the purpose of spewing the verbal diarrhea that I do. I blog as an outlet – that is, I blog for me and for those who would care to listen. Whether I like it or not and whether you leave comments or not, there is a relationship being built as a result of this mostly one-way conversation. When I see my RSS feed subscriptions go up a handful in one day, or when I get even one comment as feedback to any post I write, I’m telling you right now that I get giddy. What I assume, then, is that there is some sort of gratification my readers get from reading my posts. (Let me have that, would you?) 🙂
I can lie and say that I write only by and for myself – but who are we fooling?
Given whatever of myself that I put out there, I will never pretend that I have control over what perceptions of me result from that. While there is a certain element that only commenters can bring to the table – specifically, a supporting or confounding opinion of mine – there are tons more lenses through which people probably simply do not “get” me. And you know, I can appreciate that. I fully appreciate that there are multitudes of experiences being had by billions of people on this planet, that most of those would be misaligned with my own experiences. It doesn’t make those experiences or people more or less worthy; it simply makes you and they different.
But let there be one understanding: I won’t make it your problem if you don’t make it mine.
It’s an interesting phenomenon in psychology and relationships when “tearing down walls” is so often viewed as a positive thing, and I agree that it is. But in what context? When is it a good thing because it’s an exception? First, there needs to exist the context that those around can be trusted. Maybe you’re not able to “tear down walls” because the trust is just not there yet. Let me repeat: Trust is just not there yet. Why? Because there is no relationship to begin with. Why, again? Because we’re not sure they can be trusted.
Trust is earned, not given. And it can be lost. Relationships are built (or were never built) from the inside out, not upon an everlasting pretext of presumption. If you don’t understand me, do not hold it against me. If you invalidate my truth, do not ever expect me to trust you with that truth again, soon. And never, ever fault me for speaking my mind, especially when I’ve taken care to speak it in love – I simply read it as your inability to respect another’s mind as a way of keeping your own faultless views intact. Reasoning with denial is not fruits of my labor but throwing pearls before swine.
Boundaries are good, sometimes. And they are certainly needed with some more than others.
It would be pointless to tell you and to prove to you how, why and in what ways I, as a person, am so much more than this blog – but that in itself would be reducing all of that to … well, this blog … wouldn’t it? 🙂 If I need to do that in the first place, then that would surely mean that there was never a relationship to begin with. There is nothing to salvage, really.
Regardless, I am so thankful for the freedom to write here. It’s through this medium where everything is so accessible to everyone in the world that I’ve been able to really find the voice that is uncalculating yet purposeful, inner monologue yet not rambling (uh, hopefully), … basically a presentation of myself without my prescribing to you what I wish, what I hope that you might think of me.
Besides. I have way too much respect for you than to think I’d be able to accomplish that. 🙂