Anyone who knows me - in person, in the flesh, on the raw - might be able to name a few mannerisms of mine. Those who know me well will be able to go further than that, perhaps even to the kind of guy I would and wouldn’t go for. The type of movie I would pay to see in the theatre or would wait to see until it’s on DVD. The places I would and wouldn’t hang out at on a weekend - day and night.
And then there are those who appear to glean that sort of information - and more - from what I write in this blog.
Some things are only natural to assume. For instance, if you’ve read my posts about cars, you would know that my personality doesn’t particularly favor SUVs nor Japanese cars - but instead the unreliable German kind, with all the little plastic pieces, electrical drivetrains and failures to boot. If you’ve read the posts recounting the outings I’ve had in the city and what fun I’ve had on them - more formerly than recently - you could assume that I love where I live. Or, you might be able to draw that conclusion merely from the URL and title of this blog.
Sometimes, though, and I don’t restrict this to blogging, you can tell more about the person making the assumptions than the subject whom they’re drawing conclusions about.
Let me be frank. I put a lot of words out (t)here. I’d be stupid if I said that I’m prepared to deal with the consequences of them 100% of the time, but all the same - I usually don’t regret them. I’ve been doing this way too long now to still be blogging yet have lost sight of the purpose of spewing the verbal diarrhea that I do. I blog as an outlet - that is, I blog for me and for those who would care to listen. Whether I like it or not and whether you leave comments or not, there is a relationship being built as a result of this mostly one-way conversation. When I see my RSS feed subscriptions go up a handful in one day, or when I get even one comment as feedback to any post I write, I’m telling you right now that I get giddy. What I assume, then, is that there is some sort of gratification my readers get from reading my posts. (Let me have that, would you?) 
I can lie and say that I write only by and for myself - but who are we fooling?
Given whatever of myself that I put out there, I will never pretend that I have control over what perceptions of me result from that. While there is a certain element that only commenters can bring to the table - specifically, a supporting or confounding opinion of mine - there are tons more lenses through which people probably simply do not “get” me. And you know, I can appreciate that. I fully appreciate that there are multitudes of experiences being had by billions of people on this planet, that most of those would be misaligned with my own experiences. It doesn’t make those experiences or people more or less worthy; it simply makes you and they different.
But let there be one understanding: I won’t make it your problem if you don’t make it mine.
It’s an interesting phenomenon in psychology and relationships when “tearing down walls” is so often viewed as a positive thing, and I agree that it is. But in what context? When is it a good thing because it’s an exception? First, there needs to exist the context that those around can be trusted. Maybe you’re not able to “tear down walls” because the trust is just not there yet. Let me repeat: Trust is just not there yet. Why? Because there is no relationship to begin with. Why, again? Because we’re not sure they can be trusted.
Trust is earned, not given. And it can be lost. Relationships are built (or were never built) from the inside out, not upon an everlasting pretext of presumption. If you don’t understand me, do not hold it against me. If you invalidate my truth, do not ever expect me to trust you with that truth again, soon. And never, ever fault me for speaking my mind, especially when I’ve taken care to speak it in love - I simply read it as your inability to respect another’s mind as a way of keeping your own faultless views intact. Reasoning with denial is not fruits of my labor but throwing pearls before swine.
Boundaries are good, sometimes. And they are certainly needed with some more than others.
It would be pointless to tell you and to prove to you how, why and in what ways I, as a person, am so much more than this blog - but that in itself would be reducing all of that to … well, this blog … wouldn’t it? If I need to do that in the first place, then that would surely mean that there was never a relationship to begin with. There is nothing to salvage, really.
Regardless, I am so thankful for the freedom to write here. It’s through this medium where everything is so accessible to everyone in the world that I’ve been able to really find the voice that is uncalculating yet purposeful, inner monologue yet not rambling (uh, hopefully), … basically a presentation of myself without my prescribing to you what I wish, what I hope that you might think of me.
Besides. I have way too much respect for you than to think I’d be able to accomplish that.
10 Comments
You are not what you blog, but you are a fragment of what you blog.
Who you are and what you’re willing to put down are completely different. You may be this thoughtful, introverted girl who is easy going around the corners in this blog, but you might also harbour an intense liking for BDSM in real life for all we know.
The same thing goes for how we portray ourselves in real life. Who we are and what we show to people may be completely different. Whether at work or play. Easy times or crisis. Each character we show is only a small part of who we are as a whole.
I trust that what you show is real, but I also trust that what you show isn’t completely you. That much I would respect. That’s why it would be so cool if I really did meet you in person.
p.s. Not that I’m saying you do BDSM. But if you do. It’s a completely random implication.
i know you more than thru just your blog. i also rummage their you garbage and take photos of you with long telephoto lens behind the shrubbery.
Here’s a feedback… I love SUVs. Not the Expeditions, or the Ford Exploders, H2 Hummers. But something purpose-built. Like an FJ Cruiser, H1 Hummer, or Land Rovers. Bio-fuel rocks. Why isn’t every car on this thing? I can go on, but it will stray off from the point… So are you giddy yet?
@Edrei: I guess there’s no escaping even that fragment, huh? If we could, then we’d have the benefit of not having to take ANY responsibility for what we say!
For the record, I had to Google “BDSM” to refresh my memory. Lol.
@big league: You might get rich hanging around on Robertson with that telephoto lens instead of following me around. Haha. So I take it you’ve gotten my note in the garbage bag with all the cat poop, then?
By blogging into the ether (not really anymore), I can hide the fact that my left bicep is disproportionately larger than any other human being’s.
btw- I can really appreciate the time and effort you put into your entries.
In a contstructive way, web-logging, aka blogging has given the common person to express themselves in ways other than music, dance, materialism (*ahem), or other. But with any form of self-expression, a certain amount of validation is, I think, necessary, because it makes us feel connected.
There are parts of us that we keep to ourselves, and parts of us that we’d love to share. The cool thing about blogging is that you can get back what you put in.
Of course, this is absolutely no way that we can capture every single nuance of our selves in a blog, in part, because we aren’t completely conscious of all aspects of our selves. At least, that’s what I believe.
Lot of good material here on the philosophy of blogging. Life is all about masks and presentation, and blogging is just another form of that.
If I may ground us all for a minute though, I’d like to just say I hope you didn’t google BDSM at work. Or that you work at a cool place where, if they caught you, they would accept, not judge. =)
@al bolin: That is sweet of you to say.
And what say you of your right bicep?
@Tim: We humans are so largely social animals, methinks. Then again, I think there’s a lot to what we don’t say, what we don’t do even in interactions - almost as much as what we do say and do.
@Lexybeast: Thank you.
No I did not, actually, google BDSM at work - though I don’t think that would’ve been the most conspicuous search compared with my coworkers’. Hahaha.
I love your posts!
Re: your twitter - Whoa - are you really going to try the Chicago Marathon??? I would love to do that someday. I say someday because August 3rd will be my final marathon for about a year and a half. (Shhh…”marital secret” here) August 3rd, I’m doing the SF Marathon. It’s a superb course, beautiful, challenging, it starts early so the weather is good…I could go on and on. Plus, it’s cheaper than going to Chicago!
Actually, I’m dying to do NY someday.
@twolims: Aw. Thanks!
About the Chicago, I am not sure but my friend Sean has entered so that has me flirting with the idea. I am just wanting to make sure that running another 26.2mi is really what I want to do, including investing the time, money (FOOD), discipline, etc. On the other hand, I kind of want to learn to surf! Yeah - and the flight and everything as far as costs is definitely coming into consideration. But I love the idea of going elsewhere to do the race, you know? NY would be fab!