A good guy friend of mine had a dating dilemma recently. The girl, who he took out for the first time, and he meshed pretty well. Cuddling, hand-holding, good conversation, good vibes – all pretty good indicators of a successful date.
So, an obligatory I’m-not-stalking-you-but-can’t-quite-stop-thinking-about-you couple days later, he saw about a second date by giving her a call. Her cell rang a couple times then went to voicemail. A week passed. No return phone call. Another message later, still no answer or call back.
He thought, “Odd.”
The dots just didn’t connect. He recollected the date and tried to think of what could have possibly gone wrong. They conversed well, he remembered. They were compatible, or so he thought. And she was real. She said so. In fact, she had said that she just really “didn’t like fakeness.” She was all about “being real.”
Hold. It.
Real, huh?
Surely, a girl person who was into “being real” could be up front, no? Truly, if a girl could say she was not about teh fake, she could tell a guy whether she was “just not into” him, right?
It’s interesting how, when we’re not honest with ourselves, we project the qualities of the person we want to be as if we actually exemplified them. It’s as if the more we say things, the more likely they’re coming from a point of view that we have authority over the issue – and thus the act of saying it, of lying about it – makes it true testimony.
In fact, there’s something we hide underneath that. Duly, we refuse to acknowledge and fear that others will find out about it. That would just make us too honest, too vulnerable; we can’t have that now.
I mean, we all like to pretend a little bit and escape into a place or person that we don’t often visit or manifest. It’s really just so tiring to take responsibility sometimes. Honestly, now. Do we really owe anybody any favors?
No, not really. All I have to say to that, though, is don’t be so surprised when it comes back around. No one else really owes you anything, either. Including thinking you’re not disingenuous when you talk, or believing everything that comes out of your mouth. Because eventually, we won’t be surprised when your actions don’t follow through on them. And hopefully, just for your own sake, you will give youself what you deserve - the truth. When you stop overcompensating you’ll be on your way towards being the person you wished you were. People can tell because you exude it, not because you say it.
Our instincts and our intuition will be all that much better for it, too.
10 Comments
Does the girl live in teh OC? Because she sounds a little stuck up. Ok, I kid, not all OC girls are like that. Or maybe she’s a perfectionist looking for the guy that doesn’t exist.
This is good stuff.
Maybe she considers her avoidance technique her way of being “up front”…could it be a cultural thing? Like maybe she thinks she is being clear by not returning his calls. It’s rude, but there’s a lot of strange people out there with different ideas of not fakin’ the funk. I hope your friend finds another girl better suited to him.
If this was a guy not returning my calls, I’d think he met another girl.
I’ve had experiences like that before. The thing is, from there on end usually I would assume all dates end up bad. People (both men and women) tend to not say what they really think, and instead empathise with the other person for the fear od complication matters and avoiding those complications and awkwardness.
It’s one of the main reasons we learn to wear masks in our lives. To get along well with people even if under false pretenses.
But these days, I cut to the chase. I am who am without a mask, that’s why I automatically assume all dates turn out bad. People aren’t used to that sort of directness. I think that’s a whole lot better than pretending to be someone you’re not. Good and bad, a person will at least know how to appreciate you for who you are.
i’ve never received a call back. waaaaahh!
@codemunky: Not sure, actually. I didn’t conduct my usual geographical survey on this friend’s dating prospect.
On that note, The OC is worlds away in so many respects. But you know, I like to give the benefit of the doubt.
@CM: Why, thank you.
Also for the Digg submission.
@moet-chen: Or is it chan? Thankfully, he’s essentially over her. He needs someone who doesn’t employ the avoidance techniques you speak of. He’d be miserable because he’d be forever guessing her ways of communicating … or not communicating.
Also, I completely see what you’re saying in terms of cultural habits or … actually, I grew up around that sort of avoidance of communication thing and I’ve come to outright reject (and denounce) that way of relating to people. It takes too much energy and is not fair to either person. It’s just not healthy, IMHO. I think valuable relationships outright avoid that sort of thing.
@Edrei: I hear you completely on the empathy thing, leading to avoidance of confrontation. IMHO I think that sort of thing is derived from unhealthy relationships when one person demands too much from the other, so the other person is forever trapped in a state of empathy while not caring for him- or herself. That sort of thing, the negligence of emotional needs, just builds up and up until they burst, and what is the other person to do except say that he/she never really said anything the whole while – all the while knowing full well that they never wanted to hear it in the first place because he/she couldn’t take it?
I’m with you in the “being direct” school of thought. I’m content to cut out the right/wrong angle and just boil it down to flat-out compatibility with others. (Or incompatibility.) I would hope eventually, though, that people really value the idea of being honest with themselves. Because when they’re avoiding that sort of stuff it’s not just with the other person but they refuse to even acknowledge what the want/need/don’t want in their own minds. I think that’s just a disservice to themselves.
@sean: Never got the “she’s just not into you” memo?
WOW. that sounds familiar. There are certain things that people will never admit to being. A hoochie, is one of them. (Seriously, I don’t know if the words ‘I’m a hoochie’ sound like they will ever be uttered) Another thing is fake.
This girl MIGHT be guilty of being both. In all honesty tho, I’ve been on both sides of that dating situtation, and I find that confrontation is very rare for a LOT of people to deal with. Honesty is a tricky thing when it comes to dating, because ideally, both parties should be completely honest. But sometimes, honesty can be too brutal, or too awkward. Being too honest with our feelings can make us seem too emotional, and often irrational, even psycho. And let’s face it, when it comes to relationships and love, people are irrational. Tact and courtesy are supposed to hide this irrationality. But I think more often than not, it gives our weaker selves an easy way out of healthy (and sometimes maybe not so healthy) confrontation.
We should all just go back to the swingin’ sixties baby…
@soulst0p: I know what you mean in terms of the flat-out honesty issue. I guess I’m thinking there’s not just honesty in words, but also actions, demeanor, etc. You don’t have to articulate exactly to give the gist of what you’re thinking. For instance, maybe if you’re not feeling the date you might not snuggle up to him/her, hold his/her hand, etc. Man, what an awful way to spend a few hours with somebody – to act exactly the opposite of how you’re feeling just for the sake of pleasing that someone you’re not attracted to?
Tact is good, and so is moderation.
right on,, it has frustrated me at times that verbal communication in relationships, is not one of ‘traditional’ asian people’s strengths. Not to make a sweeping generalization or anything :-/ in fact i’ve been on the receiving end of that treatment more times than I’d like to remember.
It’s quite funny/interesting… just read this today after you left, and realized that this was basically what happened to me over the past 2+/almost 3 months.
In my case, mine was more than just one date. It was several, plus a ton of messages, AIM conversations, etc.
Supposedly I’m the “right guy at the wrong time”. In reality, she never gave us a chance.
At least in the case of your friend, it was just one date.