e*star LA

You may be beautiful. You and I might have great conversation. And I might tell my girlfriends about you (and you, and you) to have them groan when I get to the part that you have a girlfriend.

But don’t be mistaken. It’s not that I’m sad you are already committed. If you weren’t, I would feel obligated to feel more for you than I am capable. Right now. It’s easier. I need easy right now.

I couldn’t lie though and say I wasn’t ever curious if you were single. How old you are. What your passion in life is. What your craft is.

Though I’ve never met her, I respect your girlfriend. The Code is more important than ever. The keeping or breaking of it is our contribution to or detraction from society. Never in the middle. Besides, if we’re a part of something greater than ourselves, this is The Way. If I am the end to everything in my words, my actions, we are all in trouble. I believe that.

This time is different. I’m not lost in transition and just looking to grab onto the nearest thing to attach myself to achieve a sort of false sense of stability or distraction. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I know it didn’t stop me before, but denial is so early-twenties. I’ve decided it’s about time to grow up. Besides, I’ve become an expert at distracting myself with myself. It allows me to live out the respect I have for others by not using and abusing them for my own, trivial fancies.

I’m telling you - I am here and I will relish this moment; I have arrived. I don’t need you (or you, or you) - but you’re welcome to contribute if I think you’re worthy. After all, only the most spectacular or stupid (self) can spoil this. I will enjoy this – I am enjoying this – and now I know I will never settle again. I won’t need to, because I will hate you for holding me back, for requiring me to expect less of you. Like I said – it wouldn’t be fair.

I’m different now. I’ve changed. Now, I can appreciate beauty without always wanting it for myself, without wanting to attach myself. There is an art to interacting from a distance. In what better city than L.A.? Before, maybe the problem was that I was made to think I had no beauty of my own. I have learned that when you start to be able to appreciate all kinds of beauty because you can grow it from within, you learn to just be in the moment and love that, learn from that.

I’m not jaded, just educated.

Jaded people don’t risk. They have rendered the verdict that cynicism has won out before true beauty has had its chance to shine. And that’s the shame – all evidence hasn’t been introduced and you’ve squelched whatever peace that has remained. The uncertainty? Sure, sometimes it’s painful, but the pain isn’t permanent without help from yourself. As with all things, you get what you put into it. The hard work, I’ve learned, is worth it.

I have been with cynics before. I used to think that I myself was a cynic; in reality, cynicism is a fall-back for anyone. It’s a cop-out. It clouds your judgment so that you can’t see clearly and won’t – even if beauty was right in front of your face for years. That is a waste. Cynicism is a mask for weakness. A decided lower rung on the ladder to hedge against a bigger fall.

You can’t reach the stars without climbing. You can’t climb without risking. Let it go. Risk the truth; liars are cowards.

I’m looking forward to this journey. Beautiful you (or you, or you) and I may meet up eventually. But I’m not waiting around. After all, I wouldn’t expect the same of you. I will only be earned.